Sit... No... Sit... Good Sit.

Today we worked a lot on commands.  Or more, how I say commands.  I need to work on being more forceful when I give commands to Owen to make sure I have his attention and I'm not sitting there saying the same thing a few times before I choose to get forceful.  I just did basic obedience commands with Owen today: sit, down, stand, stay, wait, okay, let's go, heel.

I had to get "treats" (really just his kibble) out to get his attention on me initially, but once he was paying attention to me we put them away because he became very distracted (even now he is still licking at my pocket where I stashed his food).  He did all his commands for me, and even did a down-stay while Darcie walked around trying to distract him.  He stayed down while she knocked on the door, left the apartment and came back, played with kitty-cat toys, and rustled the food bag.  He broke his down stay when she started playing with Toby though.  Whoops!  She showed me how to do the appropriate correction and after that he stayed for me the whole time.

Darcie also worked with Owen on some of his tasks and also teaching him the difference between "go to your bed" and "go to your place" now that we have both a bed and his mat for going out places (it's an orthopedic bath mat).  After we did some command work, I learned how to put his harness on and off and Darcie showed me how tightly each of the buckles need to be cinched.

We also ordered a lot of things I will need from Amazon (like joint supplements, fish oil, a new collar, etc.) - but don't tell my parents!

After we gave Owen a break (he napped), Darcie and I went out to lunch again.  But... today I was the one handling Owen in the restaurant.  It wasn't flawless, I didn't choke up on the leash enough when we walked in and he thought about visiting with people who were eating and I got a little flustered so Darcie stepped in and corrected him.  It definitely didn't help that the hostess wanted to chat with us and I was trying to be friendly, but all I wanted to say was, "Can't you see I don't know what I'm doing?  Gah!"  But I didn't.

Owen went under the table perfectly and laid down on my foot where he stayed the whole time.  When it was time to leave I took my time making sure his harness was cinched up right (we loosened it so he could lay down comfortably) and that I had a good grasp on his lead before telling him "OK" and "Let's go".  It worked much better and we walked right out with no problems.  I used my over the shoulder leash today, and I really liked it.  It felt really natural and while I will hold onto it like a normal leash, if I need to I can let go before my tics get out of hand and I know Owen will continue to heel like normal.

Team Training is hard work!

Now Owen and I are back at my apartment for some bonding time by ourselves.  Toby and Owen are doing really well together, Toby is right now sleeping on the couch right next to Owen's bed.  Owen is passed out (snoring) on his bed next to me.  I can tell our bond is starting to develop already, he's sleeping with his paws on my leg and comes over to me for kisses a lot.  This morning I met Darcie and Owen back at the same Starbucks that we did yesterday and she said that when they walked in he was more happy than normal because she thinks he thought I would be there.  He was very happy to see me when I walked in, though I managed to sneak up on him before he turned around and saw me!

Earlier, Owen thought he would play with Toby and it was quite comical.  He looks like a total goof when he plays, I will have to try and get a video of it at some point.  Toby wasn't too sure about the goofball lab running around the apartment, but he didn't hide.  He just jumped up on the bed and meowed at Owen for a while.  I'm really relieved to see them getting along so well, hopefully they do eventually play together but for now, I'm happy that they are peaceful together.

Tomorrow we will do some more work with Owen's words and then in the afternoon Darcie and I are going back to school to go do some training in the classrooms on campus so that I know what to do next semester.

Now the Real Training Begins

Wow.

Today was great.  We did so much and went a lot of different places.

I also got to witness the most anti-climactic meeting between a cat and a dog ever.  But more on that in a minute.

Darcie and I met up at the Starbucks by campus (this morning I had to be on campus working) around 11:00.  I got to see Owen at work for the first time in public.  He was happy to see me and he was generally happy to be out and about working.  His tail wagged almost the whole time we were in Starbucks, and he was very good about navigating the crowds.  With finals week, the Starbucks was very busy!  Darcie and I walked over to the education building where Owen got to meet his adoring fans at school.

After hanging out at school for a little bit, we drove back to my apartment to introduce Owen and Toby.  What follows is the story of the most boring introduction of a dog and a cat.

Curiosity & Intrigue

I opened the door to the apartment, knowing Toby would be on the other side (he likes to greet people at the door).  I scooted him back with my foot and Owen followed me in.  They sniffed.  Toby meowed.  The end.

Seriously.  Toby could not have cared less.  He eventually got off the floor and sat on his perch in the window, but all he did was watch Owen.  He had this funny look the whole time Owen was there, but he wasn't concerned.  It was more a look of intrigue and curiosity.  Owen and I got to hang out in the apartment a bit with Darcie.  Owen found his bed, kennel, and all his toys I had bought him.  He was like a little kid at Christmas with his new toys, we had to get all of them out and he kept trying to see how many he could pick up at once.  He also found the cat toys that I didn't find when I picked them up.  Luckily, he has a very good "drop it" command. :)

Then, we left my apartment to go to my chiropractor appointment.  Darcie and Owen went to both the massage room and the adjustment room to show me where Owen will stay when I am in treatment.  Owen was very happy to be working and had a lot of fans there too.  I was impressed though that nobody asked to pet (unlike Gonzaga!).

Watching the chiropractor do his job

Checking out at Costco

After the chiropractor, we went to Costco.  Yikes!  Costco is basically the antithesis of where I normally go...  The crowds, the lights, the big store where I don't know where everything is, it's a recipe for disaster.  Right away when we approached the store, people were pointing.  It was really strange to be pointed at, but I knew it was because of the beautiful dog next to me, not my disability.  I've been pointed at before, but not in this context.  It was definitely a new experience.  In the store, people basically ignored us, which was nice.  While walking in the store, Owen kept checking to see if I was following, and at one point started heeling next to me even though Darcie was the one holding his leash and giving him the commands.  After we had what we needed (a printer for Darcie and a memory-foam bath mat for Owen to lay down on in public) she asked me if I wanted to walk him.  It was a resounding "Yes!".  I got to handle Owen through the check-out line and out the truck.  He did really well heeling for me and I felt really good getting to walk my dog.  I was in charge of his "heel" and "let's go" commands, the first commands I've gotten to give to Owen out in public.

We left Costco to go to Red Robin for lunch.  Again, we attracted a lot of attention.  Though I'm not sure what the servers really thought of us; they were asking how old Owen was and whether or not he was fully trained.  I don't know whether they put it together and figured out he belonged to us, or what, but he was definitely attracting lots of looks and smiles while we walked to our booth.  When we got to the booth, Darcie put his new mat under the table and told him "under," his command that means go under a surface, lay down, and stay.  He was really good throughout the meal, but I think he may have found some crumbs within reach on the floor!  At one point, Darcie left us alone to go to the bathroom, so I got to hold his leash while he stayed under the table.  Not a huge deal to some of you I'm sure, but I kept thinking, "Oh no!  What if he tests me and tries to leave!  What would I dooooo?"  Luckily, he was a great boy and stayed where he was supposed to.  Two elderly women saw him when they got up to leave and came over to say how pretty he was and ask about him.  I pretended like I knew what I was doing.  :)

After our late lunch, Owen and I went back to my apartment while Darcie went to her hotel.  We had time alone!  Owen and I took a little walk around the apartment complex so I could check my mail (if you were following the medication saga on facebook - my migraine meds have arrived!) and so he could go potty.  Unfortunately, there were too many really interesting smells all around the apartment complex, so while Owen walked really well for me (after the very beginning when he wasn't quite sure if he was going to listen to me), he did not want to potty.  My apartment is situated by a lot of undeveloped land, and we have a lot of marmots and rabbits that live on the property and right next to it, so I'm sure Owen could smell them all!

I gave up trying to get him to potty and we went back to my apartment.  He and Toby got to say "hi" again, and once he settled down a bit we went out to potty again.  Success!

Then Owen and I went back for some quality snuggle time at home before I had to bring him back to Darcie.  He gave me lots and lots of kisses and finally settled down with his head on my leg.  He proceeded to take a very loud nap, complete with lots of snoring.  Apparently I'm not the only one worn out from training!  Toby was extremely interested in Owen again, and this time was pretty happy to stay on the ground and try to figure out what was going on.  There was one hiss when Owen had Toby trapped on a shelf in the bathroom, but nobody actually meant any harm.  When Owen was still up and about, Toby followed him to keep an eye on him everywhere he went.  Once Owen laid down with me, Toby settled himself on the couch (Owen and I were on the floor) and watched us the whole time.  At one point when Owen was up, Toby almost looked like he wanted to play.  I really hope they become good friends, my apartment is too small to have animals at war!

Eventually it was time for me to bring Owen back for the night, so we loaded up in my truck and I drove him back to Darcie.  Darcie and I went over Owen's list of words (he knows about 43!) and talked a little bit about what tomorrow will look like.  We also talked about general handling tips and how to have a good relationship with your dog.  Funny enough, a lot of the tips are similar to what I have to employ in the classroom, so it comes pretty naturally.  Owen napped the whole car ride over and by the time we got there it was a little after his dinner time, and he let us know!  I got to feed him his dinner and had to make him sit and wait (which he tested) until I said "OK".  After the excitement of dinner was over he came and napped on my foot unless Darcie woke him up to show me how a certain task looked.

Reluctantly, I went back to my apartment.  Owen came over to say goodbye to me, and almost followed me out the door!  I can't wait to see him tomorrow to see how much he remembers me.  Tomorrow I have to be on campus in the morning, and Darcie and Owen will meet me at Starbucks again.  We will then go back to my apartment to practice commands.  I have to practice giving them to Darcie first, so she can make sure my tone and inflection is right.  Then I'll watch her ask Owen for the task, and then I'll try it.  We'll start with basic obedience and then maybe start with tasks tomorrow or Thursday.  Tomorrow I will also get some practice taking his harness on and off to start to get a feel for how it is supposed to fit and how it all goes together.   I'll also get to start handling Owen out in public more when it's a situation where Darcie feels comfortable I can handle it.  We are thinking that Saturday I will be on my own with Owen all day.  Apparently I will have "tasks" to complete while we are by ourselves, and I'm sure after that I will have tons and tons of questions!

I'm exhausted like I thought I would be, but surprisingly my anxiety and general health is holding pretty steady.  I really thought that going out this much would be hard and that I would be more emotionally worn down already, but so far I'm holding it together really well.  Owen gives me something to focus on out in public, I have to make sure to give him praise and make sure that he is doing what I ask him to and giving me that extra thing to focus on seems to be keeping my mind off of the anxiety of being out in public.  I feel like we've done so much, and it was only day 1!

Darcie and Owen are here!

Oh my gosh.  What a crazy whirlwind day.  In keeping with the tradition of this crazy adventure I am on, Darcie's drive was complicated by lots of really bad fog, so she got here about two-hours later than anticipated.  Then, we miscommunicated about which hotel she was staying at, so I was at one hotel while she was at the other.  By the time I got to the right hotel, I was so exhausted from the anxiety up and downs all day and so relieved to have finally gotten to where they were, that there were no tears!  No panic attacks!  I acted like a totally normal person who was in control of their emotions.

I know.  You're all shocked.

Because they got in later than anticipated and because I think it was pretty clear from my facial expressions that I had no interest in going out, Darcie and I decided to just stay in the hotel instead of going out to dinner to talk about things.  Which was great for me!  I got to pet and love on Owen all I wanted, something I couldn't have done if we had gone out in public.  I'll get to see him working tomorrow, so I wasn't sad about this decision at all.

Darcie and Owen walked out into the hotel parking lot to meet me, and right away Owen started giving me kisses and nibbles (Darcie calls it "corn-on-the-cobbing").  He was all tail-waggy and smiley and I fell in love immediately.  We talked a lot about team training, expectations, fears and worries, and maybe most importantly, what I anticipate getting from our new partnership.

Owen was a total character, he was happy the whole time I was there and was more than happy to hang out next to me and get pets.  I got lots of kisses the whole time I was there, and Darcie warned me that he gets a little out of hand with all of his affection. :)

I got to see Owen do some of his tasks for Darcie which was really cool.  I watched him do an "over" while she was sitting down and laying down, as well as a "paws up".  The whole time he was wagging his tail, it makes me really happy to know that he loves doing these tasks and is happy to do them.  I also got to see Darcie put his mobility harness on and we sized it against me to see if it is the right height/size.  Darcie said it looked right and it didn't feel too funny, so I guess it's good?  All I know is I can't wait to be able to reach out and have something right there that is stable to hold onto when I get dizzy.

We also talked about what the next few days will look like.  Initially, we are just going to spend some time getting Owen and I acquainted.  Tomorrow I have to be on campus in the morning, but Darcie will meet me there with Owen when I am done.  Darcie is going to be handling Owen in the beginning, and while she is doing that he can visit and say "hi" to people, so we will go into the education building so I can show him off to a few people.

After that, we are planning to go back to my apartment to introduce Owen to Toby (yikes!).  Darcie also said she would probably leave Owen with me for a little while tomorrow, not to go anywhere, but to get to know each other on our own.  I have a chiropractor appointment in the afternoon (thank goodness), but Owen won't be coming to that.  There wouldn't really be a point because I am definitely going to have another one before team training is over, and it will be more beneficial to have Darcie go with me when I know what I'm doing with Owen, as opposed to tomorrow when I have yet to handle him at all.  Other than that, I don't know.  We'll just have to see how the rest of the day goes.





And on that note, good night!  I haven't slept right in over a week and I'm exhausted!

Oh, did anybody see the top of my page where I have the countdown.  It says: "Today is the day!".  I may have cried a little bit when I saw it.

Questions

I don't know if this will be interesting to anybody else, but these are my questions I do not want to forget to ask when Darcie is here.  And yes, I know she is here for 12 days and I will have plenty of time to ask everything, but with the way my brain has been acting, it's best if I write everything down.

What can I do to work my bond with Owen as we are traveling during the holidays?

Where do you recommend sitting on an airplane?  What can we do to make our first flight smooth?

Where should Owen stay if I am at the gym with him?

What do I do with his harness if we are going to be somewhere a long time?   A movie?  An airplane?  A long car trip (a short one)?

How is his off leash recall?

How long is he okay to sit in class with me without needing a break?  (I have a 3-hour class next semester.  At night.  Ugh.)

Is there a favorite treat?  Favorite toy?

Things Owen really doesn't like?  Foods or treats he can't tolerate?

When do we need to do our first vet appointment? 

What kind of maintenance do I need to do for his harness?  What happens if it breaks?  Should I have a back-up vest?

Is there something I need to do for Owen when he has to walk on the snow?  Musher's wax?  Boots?  Nothing?  (Because, yeah.  It snowed today.  This Texas girl was not happy.)

What does Owen look like/do when he doesn't feel well?

Does he have a signal he does when he has to potty?

Everything else I think will be discussed during training without me having to worry about it now (like his tasks/commands, daily routine, etc.).  I have no doubt I will have more questions as time goes on, but right now this is all I can come up with.  Can anybody else think of anything I should ask?

Four days to go!

My thoughts are all jumbled up as I am in the final week before team training starts.  I'm excited, nervous, super busy at school, not sleeping... You get the drift.

Funny enough, right now I'm trying to bring myself back down to reality.  For one event I have imagined over and over again.  When I get to meet Owen.

I have been excited for this dog to come into my life for over a year; he doesn't even know who I am.  In my imaginary universe he sees me and is over-joyed (and I know this because he does the excited-Labrador-wiggle with his whole body). In fact, he is so excited that he needs to be reminded to be serious, because he is a service dog after all.  Immediately we are best friends and our bond is unbreakable...

In reality?

I will likely be the one wiggling all over with my whole body doing the excited-Tourette's-spaz-attack.  I will be the one who needs to be reminded to calm down and be serious for a minute. 

Let's play a game.  Let me know in the comments if you think:

     (1) I will have a huge Tourette's-attack, likely combined with an anxiety attack.
     (2) I will have a meltdown and start crying.
     (3) I will act like a normal, rational, human being who is in control of their
          emotions (ha!).

It's hard for me to picture this dog who I have been waiting for, dreaming about, imagining my new life with him, not knowing who I am.  He doesn't know me from anybody else on the street.  To me, he is already my whole life.  But to him, I'm nothing.

I did get an email this morning from Darcie (yay!) that said she was excited about training and that Owen is ready to "belong to somebody".  Service dogs are used to moving around a lot during training and working with different people, so I hope for Owen this transition is easy and our bond can form quickly.

Things I have to do this weekend?

Finish my research paper, bathe the cat, and clean the apartment. 

Oh.

And sleep. :)

Giving Thanks

In the spirit of this week, I wanted to spend some time focusing on what I am thankful for.  It is so easy when living with a disability, to get bogged down in the day-to-day doldrums.  To give in and let the disability win.  And I hate that part of this life; I hate that sometimes the Tourette's wins and dictates how I feel about my life.  Don't get me wrong; this sucks.  I wouldn't give it to anybody.  But, I am thankful that I can see (with contacts), that I can hear and talk and walk. 

Even when the tics make these things hard; I am still capable of doing them.  Could I conceivably perceive a time when I might have to resort to adaptive equipment to walk? Sure.  If my tics tried to take my legs away again, and it was beyond the scope of Owen's help, I would (begrudgingly) use adaptive equipment.  Even when my tics make my eyes squint shut or make me blink so rapidly that I can't see straight, I am still capable of sight.  Eventually the tics will subside and I will be able to see. 

And yes, my tics have even taken away my ability to speak.  I stutter due to the palalia and I have chronic aphasia that varies in severity.  Some days I speak perfectly fine, and other times the words get so jumbled up in my brain that they come out in the wrong order or I use the wrong words.  Or I lose vocabulary... It's good fun.  But even when that happens, I can still write.  I get teased about being too verbose on my blog, but it's because no matter what my brain is making me do with regards to verbal communication, I can always type and my thoughts come out just the way I want them.  Now if only I had a computer that could keep up with my typing instead of eating the things I write due to hard-drive malfunctions...

I am unbelievably thankful for all of the people who donated to help me get Owen.  Without your help, I wouldn't be about to embark on this amazing and incredible journey.  I still can't fathom the generosity of perfect strangers.  I am a cynic by nature; a pessimist if you will.  I've seen the worst side of humanity due to my disability.  I am slow to trust people and quick to end a relationship if I think I can't trust somebody anymore.  I am cautious in public because I don't trust how anybody is going to react to me.  And yet, because of my disability, I have seen the very best of people.  I have had people I had no relationship to, no friends in common with, nothing, donate to help me get Owen.  There was a family in contact with Heeling Allies about getting a dog for their disabled adult son and when Heeling Allies told them they didn't feel like they were the right fit, this family donated $250 to help me get my dog.  Even though they were going to have to hire a private trainer where they lived to train a service dog for their son, they still donated to help me.

There have been people my mother knows through online forums who we have never met in person who have donated, collectively, hundreds of dollars.

There have been complete strangers who we don't know donate.

Teachers, with very little money themselves, have donated to help me get Owen.

I was hesitant a year ago to fundraise and ask for money; I didn't like having to ask for something, especially in so public a manner.  But by doing so, I truly have seen the very best that humanity has to offer.

I am so thankful for my friends.  I don't think you could understand what it means to be the friend of a Touretter unless you are one.  It isn't easy.

Me?  I'm used to the stares in public and the comments and everything that comes with having Tourette's.  But somebody who is healthy having to deal with it too?  That's asking a lot.

My friends could care less when people stare at me out in public or when people laugh or snicker or say something.  They indignantly tell me that I should hit the person that is standing too close to me in line because I shouldn't have to struggle to mask my tics just because somebody has no concept of personal space.  They don't mind when I make loud noises in a quiet place.

My friends position themselves on the right side of my body when walking or sitting somewhere.  They do so, fully aware of the fact that by sitting or standing there, they will get hit.  They do this so that I don't have to worry about hitting a stranger.

They ask me where I want to sit when we go to a movie theater.  Sometimes this means sitting next to the asshole who won't stop talking the whole movie so that I can sit in the aisle.

They laughingly tell me that yes I did hit them when we were out somewhere and that is why they make sure to sit next to me.

They hear me bitch about the stuff I have to deal with, and even though they have no context for understanding my disability, they listen.

They stand up for me when somebody says something about me that they think is rude.

They look out for me; my friends have vehemently argued with me that I need to take a break, even when I am adamant that I am fine.  They have covered for me at work so that I could take breaks when I needed them, even when it meant giving up some time off of their own break.

They help me keep track of my schedule when my brain refuses to remember what day it is.  They laugh when I argue with them about what day my brain thinks it is, and text me reminders if I have to do something that is out of my normal schedule.  They remind me when assignments are due and keep a lookout for me when my brain decides to check out for a few days.

They pick me up when they want to go out at night, because they know I won't drive if I'm tired.  They drop me off at home without once expecting anything in return.  And they do this without even asking.

They laugh and move things out of my way that I might knock over.  They ignore the beeps and squeaks and snorts in a conversation.  They don't see the tremors and eye rolling and head shaking.  They accept it as part of who I am, and they don't hear or see the tics.

They never say that they are frustrated with me or embarrassed to be out with me.  They simply don't see it anymore.  They do what I wish everyone would; acknowledge that I have Tourette's, and move on.

And of course, I am unendingly thankful for Heeling Allies.   I don't know if they will ever realize what it meant to me, a year and a half ago, to search "service dogs for Tourette Syndrome" and stumble upon their website.  They have given me my hope back; hope for a normal life.  Hope to be free of this chronic exhaustion and pain and fear of being in public. 

Through Heeling Allies, I have met some amazing people who have received, or are about to recieve, a Heeling Allies dog.  People who I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I will remain in contact with for years to come.  (If you want to read about somebody who has been partnered with their Heeling Allies dog for a few months now, check out With Ben).

I am thankful for the opportunity I have been given.  I have been given the chance to walk with a service dog, to hold my head up high and once again feel confident and safe with my body.  I have met some amazing people throughout this journey, and I know I will meet a lot more.  I have found my voice with regards to Tourette Syndrome awareness; a few years ago I was ashamed to admit what I have.  Now I literally have the awareness ribbon tattooed on my body.  It will always be a part of who I am.  I am confident when speaking to groups of people about my life, and I sincerely hope that by doing so I am helping to change somebody's perspective on Tourette's.

And I hope that in a year from now I can be writing about how I am thankful for Owen; thankful for the new life he has given me; and maybe even thankful that I have a "big-girl" job.

A Week in the life of a Touretter

I imposed an interesting experiment on myself this past week.  I didn't go to any Tourette's forums, facebook pages, or groups.  I didn't have anything to do with the online community that encompasses the people dealing with Tourette Syndrome.  It had become such a quick thing that when I checked my email, I would check my facebook and do a fast cruise through all the groups and whatnot I'm a member of.  Sometimes frequenting each group more than once a day.

I very rarely posted anything unless I saw a post that I felt I had a good answer to, or something that had gone unanswered for a little while.  But I did read everything.

And I got sick of reading stuff from parents.  I got tired of reading how they were embarrassed when their child was saying obscenities out in public and people were looking at them like they were a bad parent.  I didn't want to read anymore stories about educators failing kids with Tourette's or parents not knowing what to do or ask for.  And I'm especially tired of having other people's parents give me medical advice.

Newsflash; I already have two parents.

When I post things on the groups about myself, I'm looking for support or ideas from other Touretters on how they deal with something similar.  I'm not looking for a bunch of moms to urge me to go to a doctor or to seek medical treatment.  And I think I've written enough here about why medical interventions are not an option I'm willing to consider right now.

But that's what happens when you post in these groups.  The average age of people with Tourette's is high school aged, but the majority of members are moms of children with Tourette Syndrome and the occasional significant other of a Touretter.  And that's not the group I'm looking for advice from.  I make a go of it on my own for the most part, but every now and again it's nice to bounce ideas off of another adult who is living through what you are.  To say, has anybody else ever had to deal with this?  I don't want pity or sympathy, and I'm certainly not going to give anybody pity or sympathy.

I can't stand reading these parents freaking out because there was a glitch and all of their friends saw what they posted about having a child with Tourette's and up until now it was a "secret".  I think you all know my thoughts on keeping something like this a secret.

It is not something to be ashamed about and I refuse to let anybody make me feel like it is.  And I think parents who don't embrace this attitude will end up doing their children a disservice.

And while I would never say anything, because I try to be nice online, I can't stand reading posts from mild Touretters about how hard their lives are and I especially can't stand it when they all start talking about their waning periods (when their tics get better).

When I give presentations (typically in education classes at my university) I start out with giving the clinical definition of Tourette's and I always say:

To be diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome you have to have motor and vocal tics for more than 12 months.  You can never go 4 weeks without ticcing.  To put that in perspective, since I was diagnosed I have never gone 4 weeks without ticcing... I have never gone 4 days without ticcing. I'm doubtful I have gone 4 waking hours without ticcing. And there are some days where I don't go 4 minutes without my brain trying to make some part of my body tic.

Trust me, I don't want to hear about how you haven't ticced all week.

I realized the other day that while all of my posts are about living with Tourette Syndrome, in an effort to remain upbeat about my disability, I forewent actually talking about my day to day life with Tourette's.  So here it is; a short glimpse into my life with Tourette's.

The other night I posted this on facebook.

"Ugh. One of the worst feelings in the world is your brain desperately sending tic messages to your body, but knowing if you tic it will cause severe pain (on top of the pain you are already in). For you neurotypical people that would be like having poison ivy somewhere on your body but not being allowed to scratch it. I can't wait to have 85 pounds of Labrador laying on top of me forcing my body to chill out."

And I got a lot of likes and positive comments and it surprised me because in that moment I was fighting my brain for control over my body and over my anxiety.  That wasn't meant to be a happy post; it was me griping about my night.  I was literally lying on the couch in tears because I was in so much pain (from my tics) that I couldn't stand the thought of ticcing anymore but my brain was trying its damnedest to make me tic.  And yeah, I was able to stop the tics from happening, but at what cost?  My anxiety went completely out of control as I was trying to stop myself from ticcing because I was anxious about the pain that would be caused if I did tic.  My anxiety is already running high because of everything that is going to happen in the next month (literally, in a month, I will be done with the semester... yikes).  When my anxiety is up, it doesn't take much to push it over the edge.

I have been rocking the double-wrist splint since I got back from Arizona due to the carpal tunnel syndrome symptoms in both hands.  The braces help the numbness and tingling, and also force my hands to not tic so I can't make the problem worse.

I've been clicking my tongue everywhere I go.

My knees buckle without warning when I'm walking, making me stumble.

I wrenched my back so hard in class earlier this week that it still hurts.

I head bang pretty much throughout the entire day, especially in class, which is doing wonders for my already poor balance.

I have to walk around with one arm outstretched to keep me balanced and even then I stumble and trip.  When I'm standing still I wobble back and forth, making it look like I'm about to fall over.  So basically, I walk around looking intoxicated all day.  Awesome.

And in Safeway tonight, I had an anxiety surge as I got boxed in by other people and carts trying to check out because I was petrified my brain would win and I would tic into somebody or something.

This is what the life of a Touretter is like, and that's barely the tip of the iceberg.  This is what I haven't been putting on my blog for fear that it makes me seem whiny or ungrateful.  But there it is, a small window into my life with Tourette's.

So what did I learn from my experiment? That I'm much happier without frequenting these groups.  I don't need the added stress from dozens of other people's lives; I have plenty of my own.  So for now, I'm staying off the facebook groups.

I can only anticipate that my anxiety will get worse until Darcie and Owen arrive (hopefully soon!), but hopefully I can keep it as low as possible in the interim.  Right now, I'm pretending like I'm not getting on an airplane next weekend; because by now you all know how much I hate flying. : )