Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Outing Myself

Reblogged from Losing It

**Warning: possibly triggering, discusses my fight with my weight**

I'm about to post verbatim what I blogged on my until-this-very-moment-super-secret-blog, but I wanted to write a short introduction first.  You see, I thought I was ready for this moment a long time ago.  I felt so proud of myself for starting a second blog and putting a number to my weight on the internet for everybody to see.  But I didn't promote the blog and I let it stay secret.  This was my mistake.  I wasn't ready yet.  I wasn't ready to fully embrace the change I needed to make.  Now?  I am.  There is a moment in every person's weight loss journey where something hits them about winning their life back and they do something drastic that they can never turn back from (in a good way).  For me, that is this blog post.  

I am ready to reclaim my life and while I may not have fully let go of some of the things that have contributed to my weight loss, I finally feel like I am in a place where I can tackle those problems head on and really start to save my life.  Mentally, I feel like I am in a better spot than I was about this a year ago and even a month ago.  I tried a radical diet change (for the last time) in January, but it wasn't for me.  I couldn't stick with it and I found myself binging and cheating because I was miserable.  I think I have finally found a way to get myself healthy.  Obviously, my exercise of choice would be working at a barn from sunup to sundown, but because that is not an option, I've taken up jogging.  And I think I kind of like it.  Already I am noticing my body getting in better shape, considering all it's been through, it's pretty damn resilient.  Owen is going with me on our early morning jogs and he is enjoying himself and I know it will help keep him trim and healthy.

I won't make this blog into a weight loss blog, that isn't what this blog is here for.  But I wanted to be accountable to the people who read my blog.  I wanted them to know that I am doing everything I can to get myself healthy and that Owen is a big part of that.  Because of Owen I have the spoons I need to actually fathom the idea of waking up early to work out.  I'm sure I'll write infrequently about how I am doing on this blog, and obviously, when I hit any milestones, but other than that I'm going to keep my weight loss journey on the Losing It blog and everything else over here.

In full disclosure, I'm writing this post a week before I intend to post it.  If I fall through, I won't post this and you won't be reading it (so me writing that is a bit of a moot point).

For the people who are linked to this blog from my main blog, welcome.

I'm officially outing myself.

I am more than 100 pounds overweight.

I am bigger than any of the female contestants on the Biggest Loser this season.

I wear a size 22.

I have pre-pre-diabetes (insulin resistance/metabolic syndrome).

And regardless of how I got here, I am the one who is in charge of changing it.

I am incredibly stubborn.  Anything I chose to do, I can and will get done.  But losing weight?  There is so much crap wrapped up in why I am so overweight, that mentally this is something I struggle to overcome.  I finally feel like I am ready to move on.

The month of February was not a good month for being healthy.  I would do everything right Monday through Friday afternoon, and then blow it on the weekend.  Once I had one bad day, and I saw the high number on the scale, I would blow it the rest of the weekend.  I was binging (not full-on binging, but still binging).  I haven't binged in years.

I know I was self-sabotaging.  I was afraid that just like every other time I've attempted to lose weight, that this wouldn't work either, and because of that fear I was blowing it for myself.

I've also learned that saying "no carbs" just makes me want to eat carbs that much more.

I'm finding a balance.  I'm limiting myself to whole-grains and vegetables that have carbohydrates instead of refined carbs.  But the trade is that I am working on eating more veggies and working out more.

Something has possessed me to try running.

I have never been a runner.  I joke that if I try to run, I trip and fall because I am a klutz.  I would tell you that in my entire life I've never been able to run.

And this is a reason that I think elementary PE really screwed me up.  I was always the slowest runner in every gym class I've ever taken.  Even when I was a healthy weight.  I have asthma that was way worse as a kid (I used to have to breathe into a nebulizer machine every night).  Of course I wasn't going to be able to run easily.  By the time I was in high school PE I was making excuses not to run, because I thought I couldn't.  But what I'm finding out, is that it isn't actually all that hard to run jog slowly.  And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would.  In fact, dare I say it, I kind of like waking up and going for a jog.  But thanks to physical education for years and years I never thought this would be something I could do.

I was talking with a friend the other week about her running, and she was saying how she ran when she was stressed.

I know another friend who lost a lot of weight running.

I think runners look good.  It's an exercise that uses your whole body, and that shows.  Somebody who runs is fit.

I was watching the Biggest Loser the other week and Danni was running a mile with Sunny.  And it dawned on me that there was somebody who a few weeks ago was almost as big as I am, and she was able to easily jog a mile.  (I'm watching this week's episode right now and she's jogging as I type...)

I love the idea of getting up early to go for a run before I have to start my day or at the end of a long stressful day.  I like the thought of being that person.

So what's stopping me?

Well, pessimist-me said, you don't know how to run.

So, like any good nerd would do, I, quite literally, googled "how to start running."  I found this great article online which basically said: get off the couch, put on your tennis shoes, leave the house, and go run.

Huh, is it really that easy?

Turns out it is.  Owen and I went running jogging-in-slow-motion for the first time yesterday.   I brought him with me.  You see, he is my prop.  When I can't run anymore, I slow to a walk and I look like a person out walking their dog instead of somebody trying to run.  I figure when I can run for long bursts of time and look like I know what I'm doing, I'll let him decide if he comes or not.

So today, I got a little more serious.  I told people I went jogging (they were all flabbergasted) and I told my mom that I want to go to her special shoe store where they find shoes for you based on how you walk and your needs (I hurt today, but it's mainly from old broken shoes instead of workout pain).  I ordered an armband for my iPhone (it will fit over my case on the phone - which by the way, I have no idea how to take off...) and I ordered these really cool attachments for my iPhone ear buds so they will be "running" ear buds.

I cried when I realized I needed to order the arm-band extender.

I downloaded a new app for my iPhone (miCoach - I'll review it once I get used to it).  It downloads workouts to your iPhone and will coach you through them and track your pace and progress.

If you're reading this blog post, it means I completed the first set of workouts (5).

If I didn't complete them... Again.  Moot point. :)

I have a lot of goals.  I have a lot of things I want.

I want to look considerably better at my graduation from my Master's program in May than I did at last year's commencement (I hate looking at those photos).

I want to look more toned and look good in interview clothes when I go to Texas in April so that I make a good first impression.

When I start my first job, I want to be able to wear clothes like the other teachers instead of clothes that don't fit my body and don't look good.  I want to be able to squat and kneel and do all the things I need to do as a teacher (including chase kids!).

I have signed up for NBC to email me when they are holding Biggest Loser auditions for next season.  By the time I get that email, I want to not fit their criteria anymore.  I want to get that email and laugh at the fact that I thought that may have been my last choice.  I want to know I was able to do this myself.

And as always, in one year I want to not be making weight loss goals anymore.  I want to have "staying healthy" goals.

There's a website where you can set your body type, height, and other features and plug in your current weight and your goal weight and it lets you see how you look at both.  This is my picture that was created.


The image on the left is my highest weight, the image on the right would be if I lost a total of 119 pounds.  I literally have an entire person to get rid of.  I'm working on getting actual photos of myself to put up, and measurements and whatnot so that one day I can be one of those people you see on Pinterest with a before and after photo that links to my blog.  Which means I need to get going before Pinterest becomes obsolete!

UPDATE (1 week after first writing this post):

So I did it.  I stuck with running for more than one week.  In fact, I have gone jogging/running/speed-walking/whatever-you-want-to-call-it a total of six times since I first decided to try running.  I'm able to jog for longer periods of time and am able to catch my breath easier.  I like the running app I'm using, it starts out nice and easy so you don't get overwhelmed by what you are trying to do.

I have new running shoes that I was evaluated and fit for... I don't like them.  Not yet at least.  With the Tourette's, I wear really really crappy shoes.  I'm going to tic.  That's a given.  If I'm wearing shoes with support that don't break and mold to my feet, it hurts when my feet tic.  If I wear crappy shoes with no support, it doesn't hurt so bad because the shoes bend when my feet bend.  The running shoes I got have a lot of support, I need it.  My feet are in shock right now at having to use shoes that have a great deal of support, and even though they felt good in the store, they hurt like hell now to wear.

I'm sucking it up when I go running now, and I'm going to start wearing the shoes on my rest days to continue breaking them in.  I think once my feet get used to them, they will make a huge difference.

Yesterday, I weighed in at 259.4, which puts my total lost right now at 15 pounds.  My goal weight is 155 pounds; that's what the BMI calculators say is a healthy weight.  My first short-term goal is to lose 10%; 27 pounds.  That's the first big milestone where they say you make big improvements to your overall health (lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, lower risk of type 2 diabetes - all things I am concerned about).  Only 12 pounds to go!

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